I Punched a Flower in the Face

I could make, literally, hundreds of dollars with this idea.

2012-02-15T22:37:00.000-08:00

Create an app that calculates your running distance in sheet cake.

Lazy Attempts at Destroying the World

2011-06-01T20:57:00.000-07:00

Switch the close and open buttons on an elevator. That'll probably do it, or, whatever...

Cat Lady Thought

2011-05-03T21:55:00.000-07:00

Why don't they make wine for cats?

Bitchology 101

2011-04-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

Scientists have long discovered that humans aren’t very different than other animal, except for the fact that humans possess a unique and profound ability to bitch about everything. It’s really the only thing that separates us from the animal kingdom.

(Except for the Bitchopotamus and the now extinct Bitchosaurus Rex.)

"Scientists theorize that this was how the Bitchosaurus Rex complained about its tiny arms."

"In its natural habitat, the Bitchopotamus is often found not shutting the fuck up."

Scientific Fact #608

2011-04-24T21:12:00.000-07:00

Zombies hate the taste of french people.

Meows About Another Caty Lady Thought

2011-04-06T15:41:00.000-07:00

Does she think I just stand behind the front door for the hours when I leave for work?

Change for the Better

2011-04-01T10:06:00.000-07:00

I'd be more inclined to give panhandlers spare change if they kept their block tidy.

Scientific Fact #777

2011-03-23T17:54:00.000-07:00

It has recently been discovered that the saying "Find a penny pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck" is entirely false.

You are 20 times more likely to contract herpes than good luck.

More Cat Lady Thoughts

2011-03-22T10:07:00.000-07:00

I wonder if I'm ever part of my cat's dreams?

(I sure hope so!)

Required Training...

2011-03-21T14:12:00.001-07:00

...makes me want to punch learning in the testicles.

Midge O'Jesus

2011-03-17T08:27:00.000-07:00

Please take a moment today to remember our wee little savior, Midge O'jesus, who binge drank for our sins so that we could be eternally wasted.

May the shallow ravine you drowned in flow with green beer for all eternity.

Amen.

The Perils of Working From Home

2011-03-11T12:45:00.000-08:00

You would think working at home is a breeze, but my manager is unconventional and downright inappropriate at times. She seems to have little to no regard to my productivity. and I sometimes question whether or not she truly wants to be in a managerial role. While she sat down and stared at me for what seemed like hours, I had no choice but to ask, "Don't you have a status report to file? Don't you have to get ready for that big presentation on Monday?" She completely ignored me and acted like she didn't have a care in the world.

Lately she's been displaying bizarre behavior and is incredibly clingy. She doesn't seem to understand the concept of "personal space" and goes way out of my comfort zone. Most recently she decided to lay down on my chest and demanded for a "cuddle". I went along with it but by no means do I find this work appropriate behavior.

It really is a devastating breach of trust and professional ethics, and I don't have to stand for it.

Future Jesse -You're Screwed

2011-02-14T12:53:00.000-08:00

Pushing off work until tomorrow. Good luck with that future Jesse.

Sucker.

ps. I also ate a lot of sweets and I'm not working out. Deal with it, fatty.

Cat Lady Thoughts

2011-02-12T09:46:00.000-08:00

"I wonder if my cat thinks I'm just right behind the apartment door when I leave for the day?"

"Do cat treats really taste that much better than cat food?"

"If I was shrunk down to her size, would she maul me?"

Once you get a cat you're going to turn into a cat lady. I'll post my cat lady thoughts from time to time.

Scientific Fact: # 449

2010-09-13T08:49:00.000-07:00

Meg Whitman would make the best Oompa Loompa, EVER.

2010-09-10T16:47:00.001-07:00

Don't Feed This Pig!

2010-05-24T16:51:00.000-07:00

I saw this hideous creature on the Internets today! Apparently this monstrosity is supposed to teach you about saving money. The website pig is even more creepy than the TV one!

It looks like what would event if a pig screwed a demonic alien, and then the offspring was hatcheted in head.

I'm not saving any money - I want this thing to die.

Scientific Fact #618

2010-04-07T20:34:00.001-07:00

Clowns.

What the shit?

How to Feel Super Important and Productive in the Morning

2010-04-06T09:40:00.000-07:00

Are you looking for a way to feel super important and productive in the morning? If you're answer is "yes" then I have some great advice for you!

Push the elevator close buttons repeatedly every time someone exits on a lower floor.

Talk on the phone while you're ordering your coffee or breakfast.

Rush across busy intersections and red lights when you're blocks away from your workplace. Bonus productivity point: Text while you do this.

If you follow these simple steps you're sure start your day with an unrealistic sense of self worth and accomplishment! Now get out there and spastically grab the world by the horns!

Driving School

2010-04-01T16:07:00.001-07:00

In driving school, they shouldn't have to show pictures of car wrecks. They should show people walking or on horses and say, "we used to do this all the time and it took forever, so how about you just fucking relax out there."

Happy S.R.Z.L.C.S Everyone!

2010-02-15T22:20:00.000-08:00

Happy fake holiday that I didn't get off! The might as well call it "Space Robot Zombie Lincoln Celebration Spectacular" because it's just as real and important.

I'm a People Person

2010-01-14T12:44:00.001-08:00

Friend: You don't generally like anyone.

Me: I can tolerate people better now.

Friend: There is a big difference between tolerate and like.

Me: Not to me.

Lazy Ghosts

2010-01-10T21:37:00.000-08:00

You are the laziest ghost ever! All you did was move my giraffe a couple inches so it would fall on the carpet. Is that the best you can do? You barely did anything more than the breeze through the window could probably have done. Way to phone it in there, loser.

Welcome Back to the Gym, Quitters

2010-01-04T13:20:00.000-08:00

Oh I can't wait to see you guys tonight! Thanks for making me look good.

Scientific Fact #409

2009-12-11T16:06:00.001-08:00

Cupcakes are only half delicious.

Fair is Fair

2009-11-10T13:41:00.000-08:00

Hey if you find handholding with my good looking boyfriend in a movie theatre unsettling, can I show the same malcontent when you kissed your beastmonster of a wife?

I think you got the short end of the stick - so to speak.

Scientific Fact #328

2009-10-25T22:27:00.000-07:00

The more noise your motorcycle makes, the cooler you are!

"Holy Shit, that guy is awesome!"

"Whaaaaat?"

How do You Know When You Have Something Special?

2009-10-25T22:16:00.000-07:00

When you're talking to your boyfriend and he says,

"Because, you know, I'll sleep with anything."

and you say,

"Clearly."

The Bible Made Easy!

2009-10-21T17:11:00.000-07:00

It's not rocket science - sinner.

Equal Opportunity Ignorance

2009-10-20T20:17:00.001-07:00

I was having a conversation with some g'wad and he said, "How can a guy run Bay to Breakers in a diaper and call himself straight?"

I said, "Umm... do you really want to claim that one? Because I don't."

Lets just leave that one up in the air and not claim it for the 'Mo.

Retardation clearly doesn't favor one sexuality over another.

Douche Names

2009-09-17T09:08:00.000-07:00

If you find yourself having to say something to the effect of, "Oh no, that's not how you spell my name... it's J-a-i-e-s-w-a-n" and you pronounced it like the regular name "Jason" - your parents are terrible, rotten people.

And every time you introduce yourself you better say "My name is J-a-i-e-s-w-a-n but you prounounce it like a regular name, my parents just decided to be cute and give me a name that everyone will undoubtedly spell wrong and make me seem like a douche."

If you don't like this, change your fake name, Yuppie.

Thanks,

J-a-i-s-s-y-e

Rename Rebates

2009-09-16T20:38:00.000-07:00

Can we just call them "stupid things we have to do in order to save money even though there's a far more easy and efficient way for both the buyer and the seller to get the discount but you're just betting that most people won't go through with the rebates you greedy douches"?

Scientific Fact #772

2009-09-14T16:28:00.001-07:00

Feet are Gross.

They're like deformed hands on your legs.

I <3 You When I'm Sick

2009-09-14T08:41:00.000-07:00

I'll boogie with you Dimetapp - but only when I'm disgustingly ill.

Everyone can Vote!

2009-09-09T17:54:00.000-07:00

Yay America!

Hi, Stupid

2009-09-09T13:30:00.000-07:00

So, i lost my license -
- couldn't find it anywhere
Couldn't for the life of me figure out how i lost it -
- i checked everywhere and then found my old license
Decided to take that, figured that would be better than nothing -
- i was going to make a online request for a new one only to find out i had to actually go to the DMV to get it
I furiously bitched about to a coworker and as i was talking to her i pull out my old license out only to realize it was really my new license -
- you
Idiot -

You're EXTRA Fired!

2009-09-08T15:19:00.000-07:00

If you discover that someone did an even more horrible job years after they were fired - is it customary to contact them and tell them they're extra fired?

Midsection West

2009-09-02T13:34:00.000-07:00

The last time I was in Chicago for a work event, I was asked in advance for my tshirt size. I asked for a medium and when I got there the guy handed me an extra large.

I said to him, "Hey Tim, I asked for a Medium."

He replied, "That's a Midwest Medium."

I looked around the room, and it was true...

(Fun Fat Fact: Chicago is Home to the Gravy Dipped Meat Sandwich and the Chocolate Cake Shake)

Scientific Fact #194

2009-08-30T21:18:00.000-07:00

You should never make orphan jokes, because they don't deserve any form of attention.

Dull Delusion

2009-08-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

Thanks for dreaming about a typical work day last night, Brain. Way to phone it in there, loser.

Should I?

2009-05-13T23:07:00.000-07:00

Will I go to hell if I do it?

Blue Ribbon

2009-04-07T09:49:00.000-07:00

To you - the guy at the YMCA who had your kid sit there on a weight bench bench while you were on a bike for a half hour. Not only do you not care about your kid's wellbeing but a person came up to you concerned about the fact that you considered this a playground made of weights.

Not only did you treat your kid like garbage, but also the people concerned about your kid's welfare. You then moved to a treadmill after the first person talked to you - the manager got involved and you responded with "you are threatening me right now" and the classic "I'll be talking to the Executive in charge of this YMCA"... and only when your daughter was nearly in tears telling you "daddy you've done enough" did you eventually decide to leave.

You are a world class triple blue ribbon douche - wear your ribbon with douchy pride!

TP Secrets Revealed

2009-03-29T18:18:00.000-07:00

No matter how old I get - and even thought I know everyone does it... I still feel weird buying toilet paper - especially in bulk - like it's some big secret that i poop.

I think I should just yell at the checkout counter - "yeah that's right - I need this! Quit judging me!!!"and then walk out of the store holding my copious amounts of butt tissue with pride.

Dear Taco Bell

2009-02-22T17:42:00.000-08:00

You've been working with the same 5 ingredients for the last decade - and every month you seem to come up with something "new" that tastes exactly the same as everything else. Give up already - you're not fooling anybody... well, probably stoners.

Sincerely,

Jesse

Scientific Fact #6290

2009-02-04T19:58:00.000-08:00

Honking your horn for an extented period of time is the best way to say "Hey! You just did the WORST THING EVER and you will suffer in hell for eternity!"

Renewable Energy

2009-02-03T21:31:00.001-08:00

Awkward

2009-01-19T21:24:00.000-08:00

So as much as I despise you - your last week of self-pity and a tinge of humility has made me feel sorry for you... now I despise you even more for making me feel that way.

And for Christ sake - stop eating kitties.

Can I find it on the Internet? #1

2009-01-02T18:25:00.000-08:00

RoboGnomes - Why Yes - Yes I can.

http://www.instructables.com/id/The-Robolocity-Roaming-Instructables-Robot-Gnome-/

It's only fair...

2009-01-02T18:18:00.000-08:00

Every January - I don't go around stealing your bar stool, buying all your donuts from the shop, or smoke all of your cigarettes. So how about you stay the fuck away from my gym - or at least stagger yourselves.

Thank you.

We Have a Situation - People.

2009-01-01T22:57:00.000-08:00

This is the LAST year we will get to wear glasses that reflect the current year - at least until 2100 and it still wont look as good.

"Dude - face it"

2008-12-31T12:32:00.000-08:00

"She is just not into you."

Scientific Fact #931

2008-11-11T09:59:00.001-08:00

You can't prove that there isn't an invisible, magical, flying Teapot orbiting Saturn - granting wishes to all those who believe in Him. So that means it's true.

He doesn't want gays to get married. End of Discussion.

Dear Candy Corn

2008-10-17T13:37:00.000-07:00

You wretchedly delicious Jezebel - you won't be happy until I'm full of diabetes will you?

To Unicorns

2008-10-17T09:59:00.000-07:00

I believe in you!

Um - What?

2008-09-26T16:17:00.001-07:00

I overheard the following from some guy on the bus...

"I was rummaging through the garbage cans down at the Embarcadero station I found four twenty dollar bills. That sure was a lucky day!"

Umm... I'm not sure any day where I'm sticking my hands in nasty trash heaps would be considered a "lucky" day.

People who use their cell phones in the Restroom are super important...

2008-09-26T16:14:00.001-07:00

...and disgusting as hell.

Sporting Events

2008-09-04T15:08:00.000-07:00

Where excellence and mediocrity meet.

Life can be so damn complicated.

2008-08-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

Scientific Fact #993

2008-08-14T14:30:00.001-07:00

Anything you can possibly imagine - someone is "into" it.

McDonald's Amsterdam - 3 am Conversation

2008-08-14T13:33:00.000-07:00

Me: "Hi - Can I get a McFlurry - M&M's and Rolo's?"

McDonald's Lady Person: "That will be 3 euro."

*goes to make the McFlurry... comes back with two*

Me: "Oh I just wanted wanted one McFlurry with M&M's and Rolo's."

McDonald's Lady Person: "Oh that's impossible."

Me: "Umm... I'm pretty sure that it's not."

Come on everyone - Crowd around so we all get our luggage faster!

2008-08-11T13:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes terrible things eventually become funny

2008-08-03T20:30:00.000-07:00

once the murder charges are dropped.

Summer in San Francisco

2008-07-31T21:37:00.000-07:00

Well - at least it isn't cold that will KILL you.

Nature - You're one Scuuury Bitch!

2008-07-22T10:07:00.001-07:00

Kids say the Damn'dest Things...

2008-07-06T14:25:00.000-07:00

My Mom: "That's not good. Someones been listening to the devil... Mariah I hope you don't listen to the devil"

Mariah: "I don't listen to the devil Nana... well, sometimes I listen to the devil"

Cell Phone Discrimination

2008-07-01T13:22:00.001-07:00

There’s an epidemic in today’s society – millions of people every day struggle to complete basic day to day activities. Even the simplest tasks can seem daunting and laborious – with a cell phone in hand.

Cindy – who talks at least eight hours a day on her phone, says, “I nearly did a face plant the other day on the bus. I was trying to move to the back while telling my girlfriend how adorable the new shoes I bought at Juicy Couture were. If the bus system doesn’t do something about this people like me are going to get hurt.” Many other public transit riders are finding it difficult getting on and off the bus with one hand while dividing their attention between the phone and the annoyed bus driver. Even with seats and poles, scores of people are finding it cumbersome to have personal conversations on their phone in the middle of a crowded bus.

Not only is there a crisis with cell phone accessibility, but there’s also a growing trend of discrimination associated to those who are found with a phone firmly planted on their ears.

Many cell-strapped Americans find themselves unable to order a drink from a local Starbucks without spilling over themselves, but the animosity and lack of compassion is astounding. Anne – a fast-food java connoisseur and cell jibber jabber says, “I often find myself trying to pinch the cell phone between my neck and shoulder while finding the correct change for my mocha. You know, it’s bad enough that it takes me longer to find my money and I struggle to pay at the counter – but I just can’t believe how rude people can be while waiting in the back of the line.”

Jerry – an advocator of cell phones accessibility – exclaims, “We shouldn’t have to change our behavior to accommodate an intolerant society. Anti-cell discrimination has already crept into our movie theaters, gyms, restaurants, and even the workplace. Laws are even passed to stop talking on your phone in the comfort of your own car. Where are we going to draw the line?!?” Jerry and others seeks to pass the “Americans with cell phones Act of 2008” that allows anyone to use a cell phone under any conditions. It also allocates billions of dollars to make public areas more conducive to loud one-sided conversations and unfocused travel.

“Maybe one day we can live in a world where cell-phones can exist peacefully with the rest of society – where citizens are able to handle long idle conversation and haphazardly steer through the day’s activities without being ridiculed.“

Nature Can be so eFFing Beautiful

2008-06-19T21:29:00.000-07:00

Scientific Fact # 419

2008-06-04T15:38:00.000-07:00

99 percent of all pop songs contain the word 'baby'.

"Oh Hey can you hold while I get into an accident because I'm a fucking dumbass?"

2008-06-03T11:36:00.001-07:00

Hey - Look What's Gross!

2008-06-02T18:24:00.000-07:00

Super Huge Bunnies - Sick!

Qui Aime Paris?

2008-05-18T10:17:00.000-07:00

Moi!

Scientific Fact #1

2008-05-12T11:51:00.000-07:00

Narcoleptic Daschunds are the CUTEST!

Dear Wheel of Fortune

2008-04-29T12:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Pat and Vanna,

Holy Christ have you ever changed! I haven't watched you in like two decades and now you're always in some different location and there's a b'zillion things on the wheel and now you do bonus things before - during - and after the game and... it was exhausting! I bet you cause thousands of heart attacks for the elderly because they can't keep up.

Get back to simple things like placing people in that circle so they can buy chincy shit with their money.

XoXoXo,

Me

Lunch Observation

2008-04-28T12:51:00.000-07:00

Today I was eating my lunch atop of a parking garage and there was some guy doing Tai-Chi or some shit. He looked quite relaxed and I realized that maybe looking like an assclown in public relieves stress.

Sorry - Blog

2008-04-25T09:44:00.000-07:00

I've been neglecting you - but life has been a bit sucktastic as of late and you certainly don't need to hear about it.

Scientific Fact # 519

2008-04-15T08:48:00.000-07:00

Flying Squirrels are fucking scary! I'm certain they are listed as an abomination in Leviticus. go ahead - look it up - it's in there.

Siiiiick!

Office Restrooms

2008-04-11T15:50:00.000-07:00

I'm happy that I don't have to sit next to the restrooms at work - because if I did - I'm pretty sure I would noticed people going in and out of them and inadvertently time how long they were in there.

I wonder if the people sitting near them are doing that to me!? Sickos.

H.S.I.F.

2008-04-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

Hail Satan it's Friday!

Something Different - and UnFun

2008-04-09T14:25:00.000-07:00

I experienced something new and definitely something that was not enjoyable. Today I was eating a salad outside and the sun hit my eyeballs... so I felt like I was going to sneeze and I had a mouth full of salad! My brain didn't know what to do... it wasn't pretty.

Tuesday

2008-04-08T13:59:00.000-07:00

I pretty much hate you - now you're on my list... asshole.

You Finally Did it!

2008-04-08T08:30:00.000-07:00

You stopped being such a wussface - talked to the guy - and it was excellent. Good Job!

Scientific Fact # 926

2008-04-07T09:41:00.000-07:00

Bluetooth headsets look super retarded x 1000.

"Pull Yourself Together Chelsie - You're Embarassing the Both of us..."

2008-04-06T09:39:00.000-07:00

Bicycle Abuse

2008-04-05T13:59:00.000-07:00

Does this scene look familiar? This bike has been locked to the rack for over 4 months. Bicycle abuse is no laughing matter and needs to stop.

Bicycles never deserve to be hurt, neglected or mistreated. If you see abuse or even suspect bicycle abuse, please report it. We can all work together to one day live in a world free of bicycle abuse.

Pastry Foul!

2008-04-03T11:02:00.000-07:00

They weren't meant for your team - AND - that danish certainly wasn't meant for you! Maybe fuckin' listen next time?

Superstars

2008-04-02T10:23:00.000-07:00

Getting extraordinarily wasted – drunk - stoned - cracked out of your mind – is a extremely complex and difficult undertaking. It’s not something everybody can achieve. It takes patience, practice, sheer will and determination. Be sure to boast if you ever reach such noble heights.

What Did I Learn Yesterday?

2008-04-01T09:06:00.000-07:00

*Bag ladies are psychic and have incredibly accurate throwing arms*

- I was walking to the gym from work and came to the Darwinian part of the street where people tend to attempt to cross because they're incredibly lazy and won't walk another 50 yards to the crosswalk - or to get that high only achieved from being an inconsiderate jackass.

– I saw some lady with a hand bag crossing this intersection - looked at her and thought “you idiot”. I continued to walk, and I could hear through my iPod “yoooouuuu fuucking shit, youuuuu!” I glanced out of the corner of my eye to find that she wasn’t some yuppie halfwit - she was a crazy bag lady. Shortly after, a semi-crushed soda can hit my right arm and exploded all over my jacket sleeve. I should have been scared but I was more impressed that she could chuck a half open can of soda with such amazing accuracy. She has to have been at least 35 feet away from me! I tried to look at her with anger but I think it was more of awe. Sure – it could have been something far worse – but maybe her accuracy only works with soda cans.

Minted Nostalgia.

2008-03-31T09:37:00.000-07:00

I was walking home from the bus stop and noticed a quarter on the side of the road. Although I make many many quarters worth of monies in a work day - and our currency has tanked to all new lows - there's still a subtle delight in finding them... I find myself thinking I could play a game of Ms. Pacman or get a hugemongoid ball of gum from a vending machine.

To Mall Cops

2008-03-27T13:06:00.001-07:00

So you're not always in the best shape and you had to pay a deposit on your chincy uniform - but dammit - who else is going to keep those rowdy teenagers in line?

You know you're the shit - admit it.

Sacrilicious?

2008-03-24T13:03:00.000-07:00

Ok so I'm not a religious person by any means but I saw these sold at Walgreens the other day... and I was mildly disturbed - and hungry.

I was just curious...

2008-03-18T10:44:00.001-07:00

Yep, there is...

Scientific Fact # 1091

2008-03-13T16:22:00.000-07:00

Pushing an elevator button repeatedly tells the elevator to reach your location quicker. If you push it once the elevator just assumes you don't care when it arrives.

Fortune Cookie Advice

2008-03-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

I had some lunch today at "The Chinese Gourmet Express" (great name -right) and here's what my fortune cookie had to say...

"Now is the best time for you to be spontaneous. Serendipity!"

You know what cookie?

Mind your own fucking business. I don't tell you how to taste so don't tell me how to live my life.

The Art of Seduction

2008-03-11T20:30:00.001-07:00

I spend the time that you're around completely and unquestionably ignoring you - making it my mission that you don't have any idea that I might be paying the slightest amount of attention to you... to the point where you must know that no one would overlook you THAT much... I mean come who doesn't make eye-contact with someone at least once? It's obvious that my neglect is a direct sign that I actually want to meet you and such. You really just don't get it - do you.

Did you Know?

2008-03-11T14:46:00.000-07:00

Did you know statistics show that yellow houses are hit by tornadoes twice as much as any other color?

You probably didn't - because I just made that up.

Thanks – Money Robots!

2008-03-10T10:24:00.001-07:00

You're always there when I need some cash - where did you learn to be so rich?

Why Must People be so Cruel?

2008-03-06T12:09:00.001-08:00

It breaks my heart to hear about pies mercilessly caged up and not allowed to roam freely - luckily - some people are making a difference. Thanks Hippies!

Scientific Fact #222

2008-03-04T19:45:00.000-08:00

If spiders ever learn how to fly - we're totally screwed.

They will fly into your face and suck out your eyeball juice! It will be the end of civilization as we know it.

Thanks, Crazy Religious People!

2008-03-03T21:58:00.000-08:00

I usually don't like you around and everything... like over at Powell Street yackin to people who just want to ride a trolly car - but sometimes I think I might be a little too weird or bizarre... then I see you guys and I realize I'm not even close. So - Thanks! But mostly - fuck you.

In Your FACE Twenties!

2008-03-02T22:27:00.001-08:00